The year of 19

Young and commited is but a few of the things I took great pride in calling myself at the age of 19. I was living for God and very active in my church.
It was something I loved and enjoyed doing because to me it was so much better to be in the house of God than in the world.

However I grew this curiosity inside of me as I suppose any young person would and I began dabbling with things I knew wouldn’t get me very far. I left a door open to the emermy and boy oh boy did I start a chapter of my life that set me back so far from God that made coming back a strenuous fight.

It started with skipping youth occasionally on a Friday, then that became Sundays, eventually I stopped dancing, stopped bible studies and ended up stopping everything church related.
I was now enjoying “life” in night clubs, drinking till I fell over and had my first real boyfriend which brought about a host of many things I don’t really think I was prepared for.

With God you are always filled no matter what situation you find yourself in. I started feeling emotions of negativity and emptiness. I was hollow and kept looking for something to fill that empty space. I got sucked in so bad that going to God to fill that void was the last thing on my mind. So the vicious cycle of temporary satisfaction started and of course the result again was negativity and emptiness.

I couldn’t handle basic life challenges because I decided to turn away from the one thing that made me who I was so I would pray and ask God to help me and save me again but wasn’t willing to put in any work. How could I let go of all these new friends, how could I say no to a drink and how do I say no to a boyfriend who wanted things from me. I was sinning against my very own body and I was no longer a host for the Holy Spirit to dwell in.

I guess this is where my downward spiral began, how I chose the world and ignored God. Something I never thought I would ever do considering everything I knew about Him.

There is absolutely nothing the world can give you that God can’t give better infact He gives you so much more. I found myself looking back having so much regret about missing out on God and about how much I missed Him but soon realised that with God we shouldn’t regret, we should repent instead.

He makes us new and He heals all our brokenness, He washes away every negative emotion and He gives us the strength to come back to Him if we are willing to put in the work.

No matter what your past is or how many times you have sinned He never changes, He is always there. Without Him we are NOTHING so I no longer give in to the pressures of this world because if it doesn’t bring value or bring any honor to God then I want nothing to do with it.

I am very grateful for the year I turned 19 even though it’s the year that started my demise. Without it I would not have discovered grace.

Grace that was sufficient, grace that covered me, grace that I was so undeserving of! The very same grace that was the reason Jesus died so we may live and the same grace that is the reason we have forgiveness.

Now this doesn’t mean that we just get to live life recklessly because God’s got our backs or He has us covered, it simply means that when you take a look back at your life and see how many times God was there in the storm or at a near death experience or any situation where you shouldn’t have made it, He was the one who pulled us through.

A gift I am so grateful for today because without it and without the true understanding of it I wouldn’t be where I am today. A gift that brought me back, a gift I look after with much care and graditude and a gift I will never take for granted again.

Thank you Lord!!

Flabby tummy, round thighs, fat arms, are just some of the things I would tell myself.
I would stand in front of the mirror for ages nit picking at what I thought would be so much better if I just lost a bit of weight.
As a teenager I was quite overweight but what I didn’t realise is that I was planting all these negative expectations in my mind and heart of what I thought I needed to look like in order to be validated so I became the girl that would hide, that would stand at the back of a group when a picture was taken. The girl that cried so many times because of her looks. The girl that looked at her friends thinking gosh I’m probably the “ugly friend”
As years went by I lost an enormous amount of weight and that felt really great.
I was noticed and ofcoause the influx of compliments was pretty darn good but when I stood infront of the mirror I was as empty as before.
“Hi chubby girl just loose a little more and I’m sure you will feel better” Dropping pants sizes and wearing tighter sweaters wasn’t filling the void I thought it would. I had changed physically but I changed so much inside, my relationship with food was so folitile and I hated the fact that I had to nourish my body because in my mind I knew that meant I’d have to sacrifice a day or two to make up for what I had just eaten.
This became a habit I became very good at it and at times I felt libirated knowing that I had gone a few days without eating at all.
I dreaded when people would ask “are you not eating, are you not having dessert” I would get so angry thinking “can’t these people mind their own business” or “I really just want to shove your face into the wall behind you” these are just some of the many bad things that would run through my mind and I became so defensive about everything concerning my appearance. Eventually even the compliments made me doubt myself.
I became so unhappy with myself, but how could it be? I’m supposed to be happier now that I’m skinny.
Years of negative talk about myself was still brewing inside of me as if it was just going to disappear because I had lost weight.
I share this story because as I grew older and definitely wiser about my health and the choices I make about me, it’s really something I feel so passionate about as we all have dealt with something in our lives that have made us doubt ourselves and made us feel less than.
Mine was my physical shell, yours might be something different but in saying all of this I realised that I was created by a God that took so much time to create me, who decided exactly what He needed me to look like, after all I was created in His image. If I take a minute to totally absorb that it makes me smile because how perfect and beautiful am I if God made me in HIS image and how disappointed must He have been knowing I was mocking his masterpiece.
Psalm 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
I had come to a point where I had to learn self acceptance and accept that I was literally verbally abusing myself, it was hard to say good things about myself when looking into the mirror but the more I did and the more I learnt about what God thought about me, it became easier.
Now there are still days I throw these elaborate pity parties about not having the body, skin or hair I want but am quickly reminded that non of these things are relevant if I don’t have Christ.
He has chosen us regardless of what we think about ourselves and its our responsibility to take care of the masterpiece He created. Body, mind and soul so when you have days where you don’t like what you see or you feel less than remember there’s a God that sure thinks a hole lot about you, who loves you unconditionally and loves every imperfection you have. He thinks you are absolutely beautiful and never wants you to think any different. 
Ultimately that is all we need and it has become more than enough for me because HE is enough. I no longer refer to myself as chubby girl because although I am chubby it’s all good because that’s not my identity – In my father’s eyes I’m so much more and my identity lies solely in Him!

Like Father, like…. Daughter?

I’d like to think of myself as someone who is independent and self sufficient, I don’t like asking for help and very often I don’t really bother anyone with my problems.

It wasn’t until most recent years that I discovered I actually treated God that exact same way.

I would talk to Him and definitely thank Him for everything He has done for me however asking God for anything made me feel weak, flustered and sometimes aggetated.

I had gone through so many phases where I wouldn’t speak to God at all because whether I liked to believe it or not I really developed this God complex where I had everything under control, where I would always “make a plan” if I fell short, this of course always left me drained, anxious and very often depressed because the lesson I needed to learn was to come to God first before relying on my own devises.

Why would I ask God for any help? I mean my situation isn’t that bad, I’m sure there’s people in need of more things, people dying, people loosing loved ones, how dare I want to ask God for anything. So I began this annoying and frustrating pattern of going back and forth saying “okay today I will make mention of my needs” it never happened and in return this just made me close up about that part of my prayer time.

I very often told God that I can’t come to Him asking for anything because I didn’t like the way it made me feel, I clearly had way to much pride and oh so little trust in what He could do for me.

If His word says He will supply all my needs and that He is my provider why was I struggling so bad, I mean I believed it but I had absolutely no faith that He meant it.

I happen to be in the presence of some people at a lunch where the topic of God came up very often, I enjoyed it because truth is I was so hungry to hear from God and as we know He has already planned every intervention long before we know that we are going to need one.

It was that day that I realised I was treating God exactly the way I treated my earthly father, never asking, never needing anything from him, kept at a distance and never wanting to bother him in fear of rejection so I built this tough exterior where I just stopped any expection and in return I expected nothing from God, I didn’t want to bother him and I really didn’t want to rely on him.
My views of my father distorted the way I looked at my heavenly father.

I can honestly say that once I accepted that harsh reality the healing began, I didnt realise that I was acting this way. It was like a light switch went on inside of me. I now knew why I was struggling so long and why I had these feelings towards God.

I always knew that God was many things, provider, healer, councilor, but when I realised that He was my father above all else it blew my mind.
If He was my father he was everything else I needed Him to be and He so badly wanted to be all those things for me. He is not a man that He should lie, he does not fail and he never disappoints.

He is perfect in every aspect of my life and being so now when I think of my earthly father I think of him with forgiveness because my struggle and fight with him is a battle that God will fight so that in return when I look to my heavenly father I see someone who was always there and who wants to be part of every aspect of my life even the parts that are gut wrenching and hard. He is the same today, yesterday and every day that will follow. He created me for Him so I keep nothing from him anymore!!
I no longer feel weak to come to Him, I no longer feel ashamed to ask and to share the most intermate parts of me infact that’s what he wants, He wants us to come to Him with EVERYTHING and he wants so much to be part of our lives.

He is my Father and I am so honored to be called His daughter.

Letting go

Just let it go, such a common thing that people say to you when you hurt or angry. Like letting go will get rid of all the feelings you have and magically you will just be okay. Yet this isn’t the case at all.

If you anything like I was you probably hold onto that hurt until it eats you up or until you build up so much resentment that it actually just becomes part of your life.

I lived most of my life doing that not realising that in the process I just ended up harming myself more than anyone else could.

You see even though I had this really great foundation that I speak about in my previous blog, I never quite used it wisely. Why would I want to come to God with all my ugly, all my hurt and resentment. I’m supposed to come to Him clean and unscathed, I’m supposed to do a ritual or something in order to speak to Him or ask Him anything right? I was so wrong. All I needed to do was come to Him as messed up as I was and sometimes still am.

He doesn’t seek perfection, He only seeks you in your truest form, bruised and battered, dirty and fully naked before Him. I grew to love the well known character in the Bible, David. He reminded me that even though he did so many things to displease God, God still had a love for him so big and so fierce. Why was I any different? I wasn’t, infact I didn’t do half the things that David did to displease God but the point was that God made me human and He knew what came with that, He already knew about my sin long before I even thought about it but He also knew He had a plan so as much as I  tried to fight it God always won, I mean was I ever going to win, lol, I never stood a chance.

I had to let go, I had to allow God to intervene. I had to surrender and in doing that letting go became so easy, it didn’t bother me that someone hurt me or made me angry infact it just made it so much easier to give it to God instead of building all these negative emotions inside of me. He promises to take care of us and He means it in every part of our lives especially the parts we struggle with. So when you trying to let go of anything, give it to God instead. He is waiting ready and open handed to help you with all the things you are struggling with.

Let go and let God.


What does an eight year old know God many people would ask, to be honest at eight I didn’t know much either. I knew that I participated in religious traditions like Christmas and Easter and that meant I was thankful to God for another year and another blessing. I knew I prayed before I ate and said the Our Father before bed time.

Perhaps the question that should be asked is what does God know about an eight year old and gosh He surely knew everything about me. He knew that He had a plan for me long before I could ever understand it, He knew I needed him and that I was going to need Him every single day of my life that followed so on that faithful Sunday many years ago I made a decision in my eight year old heart that I wanted to need him. At that point I didn’t really realise and could never have imagined the intensity of the decision I just made.

It was only years later that God would show me exactly what He was up to that day, how He had a plan all along and that I needed to make that decision back then to ensure His plan came to surface when I was old enough to understand it.

But why me Lord? Who am I? Why have you chosen me and why do you love me? And what is the point of all this?

There is no fancy or glamorous answer but purely that God was busy building my foundation in Him.

A foundation I’m so grateful for today because even when I went astray (so many times) I always had such a strong foundation about who God is (something I think the world lacks today) and when I found myself about to enter into a situation I knew my parents wouldn’t be proud of or a situation where God had every right to sizzle me with a lightning bolt I always knew that I was doing things not pleasing to Him.

Now don’t get me wrong I did many things that would make you want to close your eyes and ears but the point is even through all my wrong doing He was still God, still faithful. He didn’t change his plan for me just because I chose to give into the temptations of my youth and of this world. That’s God.

He never changes even when we do. I guess that’s where my story starts, how being younge doesn’t stop Him doing His work and how being human, making the wrong decisions, and sinning shouldn’t stop us from getting to know Him, Infact it should push us to want to know Him more!