Young and commited is but a few of the things I took great pride in calling myself at the age of 19. I was living for God and very active in my church.
It was something I loved and enjoyed doing because to me it was so much better to be in the house of God than in the world.
However I grew this curiosity inside of me as I suppose any young person would and I began dabbling with things I knew wouldn’t get me very far. I left a door open to the emermy and boy oh boy did I start a chapter of my life that set me back so far from God that made coming back a strenuous fight.
It started with skipping youth occasionally on a Friday, then that became Sundays, eventually I stopped dancing, stopped bible studies and ended up stopping everything church related.
I was now enjoying “life” in night clubs, drinking till I fell over and had my first real boyfriend which brought about a host of many things I don’t really think I was prepared for.
With God you are always filled no matter what situation you find yourself in. I started feeling emotions of negativity and emptiness. I was hollow and kept looking for something to fill that empty space. I got sucked in so bad that going to God to fill that void was the last thing on my mind. So the vicious cycle of temporary satisfaction started and of course the result again was negativity and emptiness.
I couldn’t handle basic life challenges because I decided to turn away from the one thing that made me who I was so I would pray and ask God to help me and save me again but wasn’t willing to put in any work. How could I let go of all these new friends, how could I say no to a drink and how do I say no to a boyfriend who wanted things from me. I was sinning against my very own body and I was no longer a host for the Holy Spirit to dwell in.
I guess this is where my downward spiral began, how I chose the world and ignored God. Something I never thought I would ever do considering everything I knew about Him.
There is absolutely nothing the world can give you that God can’t give better infact He gives you so much more. I found myself looking back having so much regret about missing out on God and about how much I missed Him but soon realised that with God we shouldn’t regret, we should repent instead.
He makes us new and He heals all our brokenness, He washes away every negative emotion and He gives us the strength to come back to Him if we are willing to put in the work.
No matter what your past is or how many times you have sinned He never changes, He is always there. Without Him we are NOTHING so I no longer give in to the pressures of this world because if it doesn’t bring value or bring any honor to God then I want nothing to do with it.
I am very grateful for the year I turned 19 even though it’s the year that started my demise. Without it I would not have discovered grace.
Grace that was sufficient, grace that covered me, grace that I was so undeserving of! The very same grace that was the reason Jesus died so we may live and the same grace that is the reason we have forgiveness.
Now this doesn’t mean that we just get to live life recklessly because God’s got our backs or He has us covered, it simply means that when you take a look back at your life and see how many times God was there in the storm or at a near death experience or any situation where you shouldn’t have made it, He was the one who pulled us through.
A gift I am so grateful for today because without it and without the true understanding of it I wouldn’t be where I am today. A gift that brought me back, a gift I look after with much care and graditude and a gift I will never take for granted again.
Thank you Lord!!